Skinned: This'll Never End 08.20.1997
01.05.2005
SKND--TheApartmentIsTooLargeContinue

The apartment is too large just for me. Ants and scorpions and walled voices fill the empty spaces, the extra corners my body cannot curl into, I sometimes let them stay. There is never enough of me to go around. I am not well. I have the urge to burn my arm and smear ashes over the walls. To cut my thighs and fill the ceiling with blood. To make an impression. Suicide is always around the corner, under the page, the extra pencil lead. There are four rooms and two closets too many. I will eat some more bread and go to work; I will feel better. I am crumbling at the corners. Bits of me will dust-sift the page. How long will this continue?  ¶ 4:30 AM 0 comments

  Velveteen I stayed over at Jay's house last Tuesday and Wednesday nights. While I was there I didn't even realize I was spending the better part of two days and nights with him and now it's as though a gaping chunk of time has disappeared. I was menstruating and unshaved and dirty and desperately aroused, And Thursday morning I woke up from napping pressing myself against Jared because I wanted the feeling of him inside me so much. And my menstruation seemed to have stopped. There were no condoms we had anal sex again and it hurt this time -- oh God. I could feel him pushing in and then drawing himself most of the way out of me and shoving hard back in. But he kept kissing my back and shoulders and somehow that made it feel so much better. And he got up to shower and I, trying not to move too much, got up to dress. There was a huge stain on the sheets. I'm not even sure what part of me it was from but I saw it and tried not to cry. It is as though every wish I have ever made for tears has hit me all at once.
We hung out last night after I got off work. We met at Java and went back to his house and stared into the bowl of water. I saw the edge of the world. And there are so many times when I want to be touched that his hand falls on mine....

It is funny, I am always completely alone here -- I double-bolt the door -- but never take advantage of the privacy I so often wished for to masturbate. A minor thing. But I leave the windows open and write listening to the sounds of kids splashing in the pool. I need to go to Target but perhaps later I'll go to Java or Denny’s or something.  ¶ 4:37 PM 0 comments

  Private Fantasies I hung out with Brian at Denny's some nights ago and he made some reference to my being "sexually ravenous" he said it laughingly but it caught me up and I tried to argue it was untrue, but he was not dissuaded. Is it some pubescent fantasy or a fair description? I don't consider myself a nympho or anything. I've gone months without masturbating....obviously I'm disturbed by this. More than I should be, mayhaps. I've been a virgin off and on for years. A tricky phrase, that. A woman at work yesterday refused to be convinced I wasn't British. I ended up telling the usual story about being brought up in a private school where most of the teachers were British, letting the listener assume a mysterious boarding academy. Why bother with saying things when people are so overwilling to project their own private fantasies onto you?  ¶ 12:17 AM 0 comments