I would like two days: 48

hours all by myself, in a small room.

Which is my height (5’6) by 5’6. Painted

or unpainted in neutral colors.

Carpeting would be nice, but not nescesary.

A few pencils and notebooks (college-

ruled) would also be nice, but not

really nesceasary. In this room I

would have no communication with

the outside world. If I was given

food or water, it would be while I

was asleep, I would just wake-up and

find it. But I wouldn’t really need

food. I can go a long time without it.

And no-one could come in. And my

parents wouldn’t know I was gone, so

I wouldn’t have to worry about that.

Of course, that isn’t going to

happen. It’s impossible. But what I

would like is a two-day vacation

from the family, maybe even from everyone

I know. Two days to find out who I

am, beforeI am not. Because I

won’t care if I die, as long as

I die knowing who I am. Because,

because until I know who I am dying would

be sort of redundant.

¶ 8:08 AM 0 comments

I’m supposed to be working on my Barbie-doll

costume, but I need to write. I’m going

psycho. Yesterday during the workshops I

could see colors, floating across

the surface of the air like brightly

colored drops of oil floating across

the surface of the water. I could even

see the air ripple underneathe them as they

shimmered about, the way water ripples

gently under moving oil. After

some practice I could even make the

colors move in different patterns, side to

side, up and down. It was cool. I’d

write down what color they were, but

they weren’t. They were all the colors, but

they weren’t white. They were no colors,

but they wren’t black. It was so cool.

Like a place where all the colors in the

world gathered to a few intense spots.

I sort of think sideways first.

Then I see sideways, and you can kind of

see light images of things, like when you close

youreyes, and open them to a bright

light, like a camera flash. Then you stare

at one of them, and theres place in reality.

You have to stare at the right reality check

spot, otherwise it doesn’t work, but I

always know which is the right one. I tried

staring at the wrong spot once, to see

what would happen, and I just faded back

into reality. Boring. Anyway, you stare

at the right spot, and you can see the

air dissolve, and get thinner. First all the

little light shadows come dance around it.

Then the air dissolves into a clear

sandy thing, sort of like staring through

a screen of transparent sugar

granules, and watching them slide away.

Then a few drops of the, the, the

un-colors (yes, that is what I will call

them) the un-colors ooze in from

the place that was beyond the grainy

air. Then the drops float around on the

air. So do the light shadows and they

sort of play with the un-colors.

Sometimes the light shadows look like things

but don’t. One beautiful one, for example,

looks like a running horse that is

standing still. It doesn’t look anything

like a horse. But I can not-see

it, and I know it is the light

shadow of a running horse that is

standing still.

Back to the uncolors. As I said

several times before they are very much

like oil on water. Making

them move works the same way. Try

putting your hand or finger into a jar

of water someone put some oil into.

When you move your hands different ways,

the oil moves different ways. Just

because you puch your hands

to the right doesn’t mean that the oil

will go to the right. The same goes

for the uncolors, except that you use

your thought to move them.

You have to use a special kind of

thought though, and I can’t put it into

words.

¶ 7:55 AM 0 comments

I was in the school auditorium Saturday

night watching a play called Talking With ,

and all of a sudden I started

flashing. Hallucinating stuff, I mean.

Seeing stuff thatwasn’t there. I flashed

that there was a sky blue train car

with a black roof and black wheels

rolling upside down and rightside up at the same time. across the air in

front of me. And I knew that it wasn’t

real. The sacry thing is, I wasn’t even

on anything. I mean, how can you flash

¶ 8:03 AM 0 comments

I used to belong to places. But

the places always get tired of you, and

move you along to somewhere else. They

don’t always do it on purpose.

Usually the places would like to keep

you, and sometimes they tell other places

about you, and to be friends with

you. Especially the tree places. They

are always very friendly if you know

how to unspeak to them. But

the olive-trees are a bit thought narrow

and flirtatious. Tree places you can

alwaysgo to. I miss the violet places.

And the rose places. The bergamot-mint

places here are kind funny snobby.

Anyway, the places are nice, but you need

a manyplace place. Then I had Greyspace,

that I could carry with me, and that

has thegrayshadows of Violets, and a

rabbit and some other things. But grey

shadows are as empty as the images on

a television scren. Emptier, in fact. Like

the image that escapes with the sound from

a radio. but now I can find light shadows

and uncolors no matter I am.

So much energy. It’s wonderful. But the

energy is only for me to borrow. To use

to create more energy and return.

Like a human energy bank. A white

hole. sometimes, though, there are black

holes. Energy consumers. Vampyres.

Things that consume energy and destroy it.

For no purpose but to destroy energy.

They use a kind of anti-energy.

¶ 8:06 AM 0 comments