where the colors don't quite exist and the
things that are pretend they aren't it's
confusing I’m confused I don't know that I
like it at all it's hard to concentrate hard
to write to push the pencil through
the array of colors that come leaping
off the too white of this page it
doesn't even hurt any more just barely
aches what do I do Aphrodite what do I
do I’m so lost perhaps I should go
become a nun after all yes I quite
like that idea maybe I could join
a convent be cloistered off in a small
place somewhere and never have to leave
or think or worry maybe I should
finish the journey maybe I should
choose a new path I want to sleep
I want to be held I want to
be safe I want to be wanted. ¶ 10:35 PM 0 comments
There's this weak shivery feeling all over me and I think maybe it's 'cause I haven't ate anything yesterday or the day before and haven't eaten yet today and I really just want to curl up in someone's arms short of that pulling my sleeping bag over my head with my doggy on one side of me and teddy bear on the other and the blankie under my head and warm flannel on my face would be so perfect but it never happens like that in real life because I always bang my head on the nightstand and the sleeping bag is usually cold until sometime in the middle of the night when I wake up sweating kicking blankets off me and then my hair gets stuck on a zipper which hurts a lot but I'm just so tired and I want someone to hold me and no-one can and I wish I had an extra pair of arms to hold myself with but it wouldn't be the same.
hate my family. I haven't been 15 in years and I
still hate my family. I hate them until I think
I'm going to throw them up out of me. Lately
I bleed every time I go to the bathroom and I
imagine it's all the sperm that's ever been squeezed
into various orifices dripping back out. It
surely took long enough. ¶ 12:22 AM 0 comments
There's this weak shivery feeling all over
me and I think maybe it's 'cause I haven't ate
anything yesterday or the day before and haven't
eaten yet today and I really just want to
curl up in someone's arms short of that
pulling my sleeping bag over my head with my
doggy on one side of me and teddy bear on
the other and the blankie under my head and
warm flannel on my face would be so
perfect but it never happens like that in
real life because I always bang my head on
the nightstand and the sleeping bag is
usually cold until sometime in the middle of
the night when I wake up sweating
kicking blankets off me and then my hair
gets stuck on a zipper which hurts a lot
but I'm just so tired and I want someone
to hold me and no-one can and I wish
I had an extra pair of arms to hold
myself with but it wouldn't be the same.
Importances
gleefulness
letters with your name handwritten
on the envelope
thick, lineny stationary
fountain pens with
heavy barrels
bone china
velvet upholstered sofas in colors that
smell like old money
silk velvet anything
being recognized by the person
your friend is checking out at a club
lace stockings
black boots shiny as the seven deadlies
tonic water in glass bottles
ironed linen tablecloth meals
the smell of white starched shirts
finding yourself jostled to the front
of a concert when your favorite band's
denim jeans that feel impermeable
canvas carry-bags with mysterious insides
wool clocks and cashmere trenchcoats
places that are green and smell like
crumbled bricks
impromptu granite seats
alone, in a dark room
and believe that the whisperedsigh of the fan
is your ever-approaching footstep ¶ 10:21 PM 0 comments
