Velveteen I stayed over at Jay's house last Tuesday and Wednesday nights. While I was there I didn't even realize I was spending the better part of two days and nights with him and now it's as though a gaping chunk of time has disappeared. I was menstruating and unshaved and dirty and desperately aroused, And Thursday morning I woke up from napping pressing myself against Jared because I wanted the feeling of him inside me so much. And my menstruation seemed to have stopped. There were no condoms we had anal sex again and it hurt this time -- oh God. I could feel him pushing in and then drawing himself most of the way out of me and shoving hard back in. But he kept kissing my back and shoulders and somehow that made it feel so much better. And he got up to shower and I, trying not to move too much, got up to dress. There was a huge stain on the sheets. I'm not even sure what part of me it was from but I saw it and tried not to cry. It is as though every wish I have ever made for tears has hit me all at once.
We hung out last night after I got off work. We met at Java and went back to his house and stared into the bowl of water. I saw the edge of the world. And there are so many times when I want to be touched that his hand falls on mine....

It is funny, I am always completely alone here -- I double-bolt the door -- but never take advantage of the privacy I so often wished for to masturbate. A minor thing. But I leave the windows open and write listening to the sounds of kids splashing in the pool. I need to go to Target but perhaps later I'll go to Java or Denny’s or something.  ¶ 4:37 PM