[10.27.2004]
09.02.1995
[ ]
i think i know why it is that i want to
hurt myself. right now i ache. and it's not at all
the same thing as hurting. An ache is dull and
dispassionate and constant and consistent and if
it were a person it'd be the professor that
sticks to the rules no matter what and i
toss and turn trying to evade it or find a
position where i feel it just a little less or at
least a little differently and it doesn't work
because i never find it because none exisis.
Pain is different. Hurt is different. It's
sharp and definite and you can point to
where it hurts and locate it and define it.
Ache is abstract, vague, hurt is definite
and tangible. And hurt does something to [relieve] the
senses, blinds them, while ache merely
grates upon them. There are two ways
to escape ache; and these are pain and
unconsciousness, whereas thereare many million
paths to escape each kind of pain.
