I Want Fear Itself 02.25.00
12.05.03

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I’m writing my lists out for Sir....and there are
so many things I’m afraid of that even thinking about
them makes me feel a little sick. And there are so
many things I don’t even know words for....and
so many things I’m afraid of are things I
also want....what’s up with that? Like how
sometimes I’m even afraid of being touched, and yet
I also want to be and not even sexually but a
hug or whatever. I’m afraid of people.
Afraid of failing – I don’t even know at what.
Afraid there’s something wrong with me. Afraid of
being lonely and also of being happy, or of
happiness. I’m even afraid of fear. I’m
afraid of not being angry and of getting too
enraged. I’m afraid of being like my
father or mother. Of not being able to take
care of myself. Of getting hurt. Ugh!  ¶ 2:32 AM