Forever Doesn't Last as Long as It Used To I have these dreams over and over again that I am
naked and lying/coupling with all these different
people, mainly women, not like we’re actually having sex
but just sort of lying against each other to see how
we fit....last night I dreampt about
a message, about something important I forgot to do, about
a missing piece to The Lord’s Prayer. I read old
letters from Alice, letters she signed “I will love
you forever.” Forever doesn’t last as long as it used to....
and that’s petty of me, because I know she
does still love me, but in a completely different
way. Sometimes I know I just really need to get
over it, and sometimes I think I’d give anything to
kiss her. I’m having my period, which doesn’t help,
makes me react emotionally to most everything. Damn
stupid hormones.
I fantasize about women and sleep with men,
god only knows what that’s about. And I like
men allright, I just....fuck, I don’t know. I like
men, but their bodes just don’t turn me on the
way women’s bodies do. Although of course there are
always glaring exceptions. Jay being pretty much it. I
don’t know. I’m tired. I’m lonely. I’m really
very lucky, just too bloody spoiled to appreciate it.
I’m failing a class in cannibalism and I have the audacity to
think I can be a bio. major. I just want to
learn. I keep feeling like crying, but then
when I try it doesn’t work. Andy, my roommate,
says I was horribly depressed most of last
year, and it got even much worse over the holidays.
I didn’t even realize it, I thought I was just
tired and overworked, which I was also. I asked
why no one told me and he was like - oh, you
can’t tell someone they’re depressed, you just have
to let them figure it out for themselves. So I
asked him if I still was depressed, but he wouldn’t
answer. I have a tendency to treat people like
oracles. I should try the tarrot cards
again. It’s been a year.  ¶ 6:35 PM