Dear Jay You were right. Trevor was right. I hate admitting that. I ignored you and took you for granted and decided that all I used you for was sex. I convinced myself I didn't need you and waved that in your face. Now I don't have you. Now I can't need you. When I was fourteen I convinced myself I didn't need meat and I haven't eaten it in the six years since. And some days I don't eat at all because the only thing that sounds appealing is steak.

I keep thinking back over a conversation we had a few months ago where you said you needed me and was upset that I did not need you. I have spent the time since trying to reconcile it all out....do I need you for this....do I need you for that....Do I need you to put your arm around me when another guy is leering at my breasts? Do I need you to tell me to take care of myself? Do I need you to make me feel pretty, desirable, cared for, wanted? Do I need you to love me? These are all things that you do, and that I love you doing. But I have spent most of my life practicing and checking and going without to ensure I do not need things. I have, at various points in my life discovered that I do not need: beds, meat, salt, sugar, alcohol, chocolate, drugs, cigarettes, blankets, sunlight, rain, warmth, trees, TV, books, writing, math, friends, sex, new clothes, speech, acting, jewelry, make-up, family, security, food. The only thing I have discovered I cannot give up is my concept of God. I need to know that somewhere, something in this world loves me. If there is anything I can need you for it is that, to know that you love me, to know that no matter what, even if I never speak to or hear from you again, you will always love me. But we are both teenagers, and that is a squishy thought at best and not one I'm sure is possible. Coming home on the bus tonight I had a new idea; perhaps you are practicing not needing me.  ¶ 10:27 PM